Fatherhood 101

Father's Day Wishes

2010-06-14T15:53:00.002-04:00

Father's Day approaches and I see little in the works for turning the tide of dads abandoning their responsibilities. Yes, there are many, many good fathers out there working hard to build a positive legacy with their children.

The problem stands that there are far too many men who refuse to step up and be real men. They flee their roles as fathers and move on to the next woman they can dupe into a relationship.

On this Father's Day I have a number of wishes.

1.) I wish Father's Day fell in the school-year calendar so children could make a big deal out of it like they do Mother's Day. Don't get me wrong, I like Mother's Day and all it stands for, but fathers appear to be an afterthought in June. This does little to turn the tide of deadbeat dads running around.

2.) I wish the court system would abandon its bias toward women when it comes to child custody. There are more travesties of justice being carried out in our courts in this area than you can shake a stick at. We must step up and determine which parent is living the lifestyle detrimental to the child's well-being. This often does not fall to the woman.

3.) I wish fathers would take the time this day and every day thereafter to spend quality hours with their offspring. I say hours because without spending some significant time with your children you cannot expect significant results.

4.) I wish fathers would use this special day not for themselves but to sacrificially spend time with their families to let them know just how special a family can be. By turning the tables and giving back to family on Fathers Day, a dad can emphasize how important and meaningful his position can be. By giving up his own accolades and giving to his family on his own special day, a father can set an example of how to be selfless to his children and teach them that there is joy in giving.

Our country has severe problems in the fatherhood department. By burying the day in the beginning of post-school summer, we dilute any real impact the day could bring. This leaves it up to dads to step up and make Father's Day something more than our society has decreed.

Make a difference. Work hard on Father's Day at being the best father you can be.
For new dads, here's some help: Fatherhood 101: Bonding Tips for Building Loving Relationships
or check it out at Amazon at: Fatherhood 101

Dad's Working from Home

2010-05-24T11:24:00.002-04:00

I'm making radical changes. I've been working from home for quite a few years and I've found that my connection with my children is not what I want it to be. At first working from home created a sense of closeness. Always home, my children naturally gravitated to me when school let out or they woke up.

Then I began to feel unproductive because of all the interruption and I cloistered myself away. Out of sight does not translate into out of mind with children, so I would close my door (an ineffective move), then I got to the point where I locked my office door when working.

The real issues manifested when I worked from sun up until after the children went to bed. Work became a constant albatross that not only hung around my neck, it greeted me in the morning and went to bed with me at night.

I recently came to my senses and realized I have outgrown my house. I need an office where I can do what I do, so that when I come home, I can focus of what is truly important - my family. Even this will be tough as I am a writer/publisher and my work tends to follow me wherever I go.

Since I committed to this new office, I have taken a lot more time to shoot hoops with my son, I just took a lengthy vacation with my four-year-old daughter and I've gone to the pool with the entire family about six times in two weeks. This is a dramatic change from the 'hermit' dad I had become.

This week's blog is an encouragement to fathers everywhere to separate from work and connect with your family. The time I've spent with my family this past month has been rewarding. I feel much more connected, relaxed and in tune with life. Work has stepped up and regained its "passion" status and even in a crazy economy, I feel I have everything I need - namely my wife and children.

If you work from home, make sure you step away from it and connect, not superficially, but one-on-one, as a group, in pairs, whatever it takes. Your work level will improve, your attitude will lighten up and life will be a joy!

Vacation's End

2010-05-17T20:51:00.002-04:00

I must admit, I entered the first day of my 12 day vacation with my four-year-old daughter with a certain amount of trepidation. I just knew she would be clamoring for mommy or crying because she had no one to play with. After all, she would spend 12 days with me and Granny, and me and Granny like to talk.

What ended up happening was beautiful. Granny and Roni hit it off. Roni loved helping with the household chores. She especially loved dusting and watering the flowers. Inside, dusting on Tuesday ended up hilariously fun. Roni made sure Granny dusted everything with her. Nothing, and I mean nothing escaped her attention. All ceiling fans, door knobs and even backs of chairs got the Swiffer treatment.

Outside, watering the roses and day lilies were a thrill. Roni loved to help the plants grow and she made sure they each received a generous portion of water each day. Roni helped with dishes, cooking, cleaning, bed making - anything Granny had to do each day. I was able to sleep in each day (which I desperately needed to do because I stayed up too late each night).

In the airport on the way home, Roni took over the wheeled luggage while I walked through Atlanta International Airport with a pink suitcase that read, "I'm going to Grandma's!" Roni ended up being one of the greatest traveling partners I've ever had. Our relationship, which was already strong, became even closer. This was a trip to remember.

One day I'll look back and remember this vacation with a sad melancholy, but today, right now, I cherish the special time me and my daughter had together and the connection we have that grew stronger. Dads, heads up, you need to do this...

Vacation One-on-one With Your Four-year-old

2010-05-10T09:00:00.000-04:00

I don't know when, where or why the idea stabbed my brain. I don't know if the decision to act on this insane idea even received the slightest pondering. My knowledge of the ramifications of this decision only reached my pea brain just before we boarded the jet at a dead run with less than five minutes to spare - I now traveled the Twilight Zone by way of a West Virginia vacation one-on-one with my lovely four-year-old daughter Veronica.

Roni defines the walking, talking sweet-princess girlie-girl that all parents dream of - she's polite, loves to dress well, self-sufficient beyond her meager years and ready with a smile that pales the sun. Wonderful attributes such as minimal pouting (if any) and an ability to charm anyone into loving her do not appear to make for a challenging vacation. Add into the mix that I wrote my first book - Fatherhood 101 - Bonding Tips for Building Loving Relationships the first eighteen months of her life by jotting down everything I did to bond with her.

Pretty tight describes our wonderful father-daughter relationship. All this oozes coolness. It oozes confidence. It oozes a comfort level many if not most fathers never know with their children. Unfortunately it also oozes fear that a) the work needed to be don on this 'working' vacation won't get done or b) Roni's feelings get hurt by her father's inattention while securing the tasks he needs to accomplish.

Roni's first plane ride sent the vacation into the stratosphere as she squealed with glee on take off, letting out a four-year-old's version of a rebel yell that caused the passenger in front of her to flinch. I smiled at my little girl and fought off the aforementioned fears.

Once at my mother's house, Granny took over little Roni's attention and covered for me while I met with high school classmates I had not seen in over thirty years. Also in town for the weekend, my sister and Roni bonded faster than Crazy Glue and again, my fears leapt into the flowing waters of family and newness and fun.

Then my sister left and I stared at ten days of me, Roni and Granny. Dumping my child off on someone else never enters my equation other than short breaks. While my sister interacted with Roni, I still played with her, took her to the park, climbed and swung and merry-go-rounded until dizziness and laughter ate us up. But my sister kept Roni from mentioning mom and three siblings left behind in Florida.

While Roni and I stay very close, mom remains extremely important to my littlest child. I know the day approaches when I must address the absence of mom and siblings and I do not look forward to the sad look that will crawl her face like devastating shadow.

I am blessed that Veronica loves to be a helper and that Granny distracts her with household chores. I file away for future reference that Roni loves to help Granny clean. Heck, she does the same thing at home with Mom. She truly strikes me as an exceptional child.

I do not want to let her down. I do not want this vacation to morph into anything but fun for her, yet work must get done. So far, Granny and I double team her well. At this moment she and Granny mixed up some mop water and currently work diligently on the kitchen floor.

I sit here keying this, reminding me of why I love writing so much. This is my work. My work does not always take me away from my children. In fact, as in this case, my work involves one of my children.

Hope returns as I key these words as I know Roni is with me because she can handle herself incredibly well for a four-year-old. She's telling Granny of a good idea - they can wash the car next - and I hear a brief hesitation in Granny's reply as she looks to divert a very sharp child from a more labor intensive chore.

I smile as I've done the same thing many times. Veronica does not miss me and I've been able to key two blogs. In fact, I can most likely get all my work done today at this rate and still make the day memorable to my little one.

Fathers need to step out and challenge their interaction with their children one-on-one. I hope my follow-up blog to this (which will post at the end of the month) will say that I was up to the task. That I was able to interact with my little girl and also work. That we will remember this little two week vacation for the rest of our lives.

I see confidence rising in my heart and hear focused interaction between Granny and Roni outside my door. Note to self - while a father should make sure he carries his own weight when caring for his children, there is a time and a place for others to step in and help. I'll be able to have more fun with Roni today since I will have completed the work I need to get done which will free me up to be more a four-year-old than fifty-one.

Going Home

2010-05-03T09:42:00.005-04:00

Dads, remember that your children will one day feel this way:

You notice it more and more as time passes. You can't go home again. We try. When we leave the home of our youth for any significant time, it seems, upon our return, that everything changed overnight. This is nothing new. I've seen writers lament this very subject many times. Let's just say I need to write it myself, ok?

My sister and I just visited the family home. The house that's been in our family for at least 70 years, probably longer. Circumstances forced us to walk beside the house to the back yard. The fence on our left and the house on our right inexplicably stood drastically closer than when the two of us used to run around the house playing "red-light, green-light".

I know fences don't move, nor do houses, but some cosmic force narrowed that passageway so that we checked our steps so as to not get hung on the metal prongs of the fence.

Then there's the "dirt road" side of the house. While growing up with friends and a dog, grass rarely grew beside the house. Tonka earth-movers and dump trucks plowed the finely grained dirt and Match Box cars zoomed the new highways. Grass equaled invader and we often yanked roots as best we could so the offending foliage would be gone for life.

Now, the soft green carpet that blasphemes my eyes also amazes in that it actually looks appealing in a perverted kind of way. Its lushness invites my bare feet, something I would never do given their tenderfoot nature. Nature's carpet still appears as a toupee, an aberration, not the dirt construction zone of my youth.

Changes in the house, while disconcerting, do not possess quite the impact of the changes in exterior landscape. Trees, or actually the absence of trees, cause the most emotional trauma. We once corralled eight wonderful trees in our now-tiny-but-then-huge yard. Five Lomardi Poplars, a wonderful maple and two exquisite Chines Elms that bravely guarded the front of the house.

The Elms suffered death at the hands of the early seventies elms disease that eradicated this wonderful tree species. Those two trees commanded attention and shielded the small frame house from exposure of its limited size and plainness. The elms shaded the entire front lawn in summer and dripped luscious icicles in winter.

Now the house is exposed as a small box squished between two houses and is best described as nondescript despite some creative landscaping. This landscaping does lend the house a polished, tidy look, but without the elms, the house cannot live up to the standards of my youth.

I cannot at this time address the Lombardi's and the maple tree. I cried the day they cut down the rocket-shaped poplars. These soldiers stood guard over the back fence all the days of my early youth. The allowed grade-school aged friends to come over and look out over the entire town while breezes tugged at our clothes. We built forts that hid us in summer and protected us from the cold in winter. Now, their memory is as faded as forty-year-old blacktop.

Forty years since I last smelled those wonderful leaves. The autumn leaf piles taller than my parents that we once dove into with such glee now rotted into a plus green lawn that shows no wear and tear of dogs and children.

The changes devastate the heart. The longing for the days of army men battles and Tonka roadways threatens to overwhelm me - to send me into the abyss of sadness and melancholy. Work and responsibilities tug at my mind and tell me I can ill afford this emotional debilitation, but my heart longs for a tear, a healing drop of that part of me that needs closure and denies closure in one breath.

Going home often requires my heart to steel itself, to guard against the threat of emotional invasion, yet each and every trip, I fall prey to the ravages of time and I struggle not to weep over the loss of the vivid memories that fuel my melancholy. If I could only keep those memories sharp, at least I could wallow in the sadness to full effect. This thing of faded memories probably hurts most.

All that said, going home still touches my soul and too often in this world I get to feeling that my soul can no longer be reached. The sadness upon me now, I thank the writer's muse for the ability to touch that part of me no one ever sees...

Tough Question for Fathers

2010-03-08T17:39:00.004-05:00

I am self employed. I am a writer/publisher struggling to pay the bills by working two part-time jobs while attempting to get my company, ClearView Press Inc., off the ground. Too many days are spent with little or no work accomplished because I'm stressed by my situation - six children, three jobs and a host of responsibilities other than family.

How does a father do everything that must be done and still make time to connect with his children let alone his wife? This question is lived out daily in my house. I wish I could say I do a great job of juggling everything, but I cannot unless I lie.

I treasure my good days, try to learn from my bad and hope I don't damage my children's lives in between. Heck, I've written a book on how to bond with your young children. You would think I would have this thing under control. I trudge through too many days of mediocrity and distance even though I am home with my children every day.

One of the positive aspects I achieved is accessibility. I am available to my children twenty-four hours a day. I recognize this is not something I should hang my legacy on, being open and accessible to my children certainly delivers some clout.

Depression sneaks up like a slithering bandit wanting to steal the joy of fatherhood from me. Too much work, not enough money and a house of chaos invites dark, melancholy moods that drip dissension throughout the house if I'm not careful. I know no pain worse that one of my children bearing the brunt of my frustrations whether it manifest in anger or distance.

Children are a gift from God. A gentleman brought this home to me one night a few weeks ago. He told stories of couples, many couples, who could not have children. These barren couples would give anything just to have one of my six blessings. My children have been entrusted to me and I need to make sure each child receives the best nurture, love, teaching and discipline I am capable of delivering.

The best answer I have for fathers is - make certain you keep your priorities straight. Our spouses come first but our children fall in close behind. Placing work ahead of them is a drastic miscarriage of responsibility. Keeping a strong focus on family helps.

Blogs and Children

2009-06-19T12:07:00.003-04:00

Getting back in the saddle with blogging is a lot like spending time with your children. The time spent is rewarding. The time spent is hard fought to come by. The time spent is all too fleeting. You are often left with the sense of a question - Was the time spent productive, enlightening, valuable or any other quantitative label you want to place on the experience.

Parents often feel a sense of disconnect with whether the time they spend with their children is actually impacting the child's life in a positive way. Children have a way of acting nonchalant or even antagonistic toward a parental effort to teach.

Fathers should slip into time with their children on the child's terms. Meet your son or daughter where he or she wants to be met. If this time is spent playing in a sandbox, so be it. There is far too much emphasis placed on "teaching" these days and not nearly enough on "connecting".

I've found the same has been true of my blogging efforts. I've been too involved in "doing" things and not involved enough in posting. I am more committed to spending connective time with my children, and as this post testifies, I'm back on the blog trail again.

Every Day Cleaners Can Cause Emergencies

2008-11-26T21:08:00.001-05:00

Emergencies never happen the way you’d expect. Last night, my nine year old daughter fell off her desk chair right in front of her brother and sisters. No one thought anything of it. She often played this way with her two year old sister to make her laugh.

But when Mom came out to get her to help in the kitchen, she was discovered to be unconscious and drooling profusely. She gave all indications of having had a seizure. This is a girl who, aside from allergies, has always been the picture of health.

Dad (that’s me) came rushing home from his writing regimen at the local library and discovered the children had cleaned the bathrooms with off the shelf chemicals. As it happened, my son had cleaned what we call the ‘blue’ bathroom and shut the door without turning on the vent.

Enter my nine year old. She’s playing computer and has to go to the bathroom. Yep, you guessed it, she uses the one he cleaned. She shuts the door, does her thing, walks back out to her computer and falls unconscious to the floor a minute later.

In the insanity that followed her discovery, putting the pieces of the bathroom cleaning together helped calm nerves. If she had actually had a seizure, the outlook would be much more dire and fraught with concern. Once she was exposed to fresh air, four hours later she was back to being her perky little self.

This I write just to let fathers, mothers and children know that those warning on cleaning solution bottles are not there just for legal purposes. They are real dangers that can manifest in the most quiet and unassuming manner, such as a child who likes to play with her sister by falling out of her chair.

Keep all those chemicals away from your children. Go right now to every cupboard and cranny and find anything with a warning on it and make sure children are monitored as they use them. My son was concerned that he caused his sister to go to the hospital. Despite our reassurances that we knew he didn’t mean to do anything to hurt her, I know he felt terrible. Protect your family. This incident was triggered by a bottle of tub and tile cleaner. Go check right now!

When Dad Comes Home

2008-11-19T12:22:00.001-05:00

My apologies for writing late this week. I returned home from a writing conference that rocked my world and I have been caught up in the aftermath of being absent from my home for four days. You know how it is. When you have four children at home and a wife, there are a myriad of issues to be addressed upon your return.

One such issue is getting caught up in the activities you missed out on. Your son will invariably wish to wax poetic about the soap bubble that went up his nose or your youngest daughter will regale you with the story of the leaf that flew all the way across the yard in the air. These items can seem tedious and unimportant compared to a stack of bills, a wife with a crazed “just give me five minutes alone from the kids” kind of look, or a long list of vital emails awaiting your attention.

I submit that you must, not should, must, suffer through and muster all your interest to these small items while you embrace your children with arms and ears. These young hearts and minds prize your attention above all else. The minutes you spend sharing in their world are priceless snippets of life they will fondly recall one day after you’re gone. Please remember, your time here is limited. The email will wait. The bills as well. Your wife needs you, and by involving yourself with your children, those five minutes may just save her sanity.
We must live our lives like each moment is the last. So what is truly important in that scenario? What do we wish to leave with our children? The fact that Dad paid attention to every other detail in life but the children? Or the legacy of a father who took the time to be wowed by the slinky that ‘walks’ down stairs. I do not believe I have to tell you which is better. You know.

Work at Home Dads and Children

2008-11-10T14:52:00.002-05:00

I have a wonderful life. Never boring. Cram-packed with every conceivable time demand, my day goes hither and yon yanking me along at its whim. There are the demands I don't like (business related stuff that takes a writing soul out of his muse), things I run from (commitments to write certain word counts for certain projects), things I love to write (like fiction), and then there's my children. The smallest child is my largest hurdle to working.

She is cute and knows it. She is polite beyond two-years-old. She's all about "please" an "thank you" and "you're welcome" and "bless you". She has the look and knows how to use it. Dad is unable to resist her. I want to entertain her and teach her and hang out with her.

Then, there's work. It must be done. I wouldn't wish the writer's life on, well, I suppose I'd wish it on my enemies, but possibly not my general acquaintances that just irk me. Writing is a tough business and it requires that a certain amount of work be completed at home. The more the better given fuel prices these days.

Fortunately, today I have devised the plan of allowing (like that term?) the three older children one-on-one time with their littlest sister. In one hour shifts, they will take her off my hands for three hours. This is at least enough time for me to blog, write a couple articles and then get some word count on my book.

The good thing is that it's working. I am getting this blog written. Are you looking for proof that something works? Read each word. Look at each letter. Each and every one was written without the interruption of my super-cute little girl. See? Proof positive. 100% money back guarantee.

Granted, one has to trust the older children enough to carry out this grand design, but if you've trained your children up well, here is where the big dividends begin to pay. I am buried in writing work and my daughter is buried in the thrill of playing with her older siblings.

Every now and then, good ol' Dad comes up with a good one . . .

Time Out for Basketball!

2008-11-03T16:47:00.002-05:00

I took my son to opening night for the Orlando Magic. I hadn't seen a professional basketball game since the early 1980's when Larry Bird played. We used to travel from WV or NC to Washington or Cleveland to catch a game.

I remember being thrilled by Bird, Parrish, McHale, DJ, Danny Ainge and a host of others. Twenty years is a long time to be away from something though. Back when we traveled to those cities for games, I often sat stoically and soaked in the game. That was just my nature. The last couple games I attended, I recall lending my voice quite loudly to the fray.

So, here we are in Amway Arena in Orlando, and Dwight Howard, fresh off his Olympic gold medal performance, is in attendance. The lengths the NBA go to for audience participation these days struck me as the most apparent difference between the old days and the new. Our seats, quaintly called the "O" Zone were better than expected. While we were on the second tier, we could still view the game very well.

All the hoopla was interesting. If it affected my son, you couldn't tell. The game began, and he watched so stoically, I couldn't tell if he was paying attention or not. Then, a miserable call by one of the refs got me out of my seat. My son threw up his hands and said, "He can't do that, can he?" It was nice to see that the old saying, 'like father, like son' still has some truth to it.

Fathers and Cleaning House With Your Children

2008-10-27T15:12:00.002-04:00

My wife had to go work a part time job today. I wasn't expecting it (I'd missed the info alerts she'd given me for the past week) and I had to get the house cleaned up for company tonight. My biggest problem was I had a full day's work set up for my writing.

I decided to do something I've written in a white paper - clean up WITH my children rather than assigning chores. I have done this on occasion and been very successful with it. Too often I feel too pressed for time to actually follow through with this tactic.

Working together was a total success. I was able to reign in the constant distraction of my son and keep my daughter from hiding away somewhere. Also, my oldest daughter threw in with me when she saw me working.

Yes, this foray into cleaning cost me two precious hours of writing time, but it gained me a clean house that I'm not embarrassed to invite friends over to. Even my two year old chipped in and helped out. This is most definitely the way to maintain a house with a gaggle of children running around. Enlist their assistance by providing your own.

I can readjust my writing for the day. My wife will come home and not have to scramble around in a kitchen that's a mess, and I won't have to blanch as I clear a spot on the couch for our guests. It is amazing what children will do if you include yourself in the activity, whether it be cleaning house or working on a project or simply playing a game.

Fathers especially should take the time to do this as it sends many messages. One - you love your children enough to help them out in something you hated to do as a child too, Two - you show your wife she's not in this housecleaning thing alone and Three - you accomplish in fairly short order what otherwise would have taken many hours if not days.

Independence Through Manners

2008-10-20T16:27:00.002-04:00

My two-year-old (she'll be three in two months) has bought into positive reinforcement along the learning curve trail. Her potty training has been accomplished with relative ease through a series of rewards for successful completion of her task and an effusive praise campaign put on by the entire family. She is excited and proud to have made it to the next level of growing up.

She approaches much of life in this manner. As a father, my desire is that we can keep moving down this positive reinforcement path with her in everything we do. Ballet is another success story. She loves to dance and will ask to perform for us (the family and strangers alike). With our enthusiastic response, she will, at some point, ask that an instructional ballet DVD be put in and played. She will then proceed to practice the steps shown with a focused concentration on detail.

I believe this method of learning and behavior began when she was six months old. We purchased some American Sign Language DVD's. This little tiny girl would avidly watch and sign along with the instructor for hours. She has never shown any sign of boredom with learning.

She also loves to dress herself and put her own shoes on. While these things are by no means miraculous, they are positive signs of healthy independence. My littlest daughter is always quick to lend a hand with a heartfelt desire to assist in any project underway. From cleaning bedrooms and bathrooms to helping out in the great outdoors, this little marvel is there to please.

She also loves to use the words please and thank you. She even has an expectation they be used when speaking to her. Whenever I hear her polite requests, I can't help but be amazed at what very small children can learn. She is quite the character.

By emphasizing politeness in everything she does, we have been able to develop a little girl who likes to read, interact with others and do for herself tasks that many children older than her refuse to do. Everything we teach our children either comes back to haunt us (or them) or bless us (or them).

Manners appear more and more to be a lost art. It's always the other person's responsibility to be polite first. That's a shame, because when you lead with your best manners, good things happen. Like independence.

Mr. Mom vs Dad

2008-10-13T15:16:00.002-04:00

I just spent the last three weeks playing the role of Mr. Mom while Mom was out working a temp job. In the past, way in the past, I thought this would be a simple assignment. Fortunately for me, I learned a few years ago this was not the case.

So this time, I put off the notion that the children would police themselves so I could concentrate on my work. I went into this marathon with the expectation that I hold the fort and make some progress daily on the chores that need to be maintained in a household of six. We kept the dishes up, the floors relatively clear and clean, schoolwork done and clothes washed.

While this is not all that needed to be done, it was good just to keep these things covered. I did manage to work some, and I did manage to interact with my children on many levels, yet we all knew that life in our household was disrupted. When you take on an additional parental role, the entire house can get disoriented.

As Dad, I tend to be more interactive on a fun level. As Mr. Mom, I tend to have to stay on my children to accomplish tasks and goals. Chores are one of the battlegrounds I learned quite a while ago where you need to follow up in a detailed fashion. Children have a tendency (many adults as well), to call a chore "close enough" when there is still a significant amount of work to be done.

Meals were another challenge, and keeping them served on a timely basis was a challenge unto themselves. On the upside, the family rhythms and systems we have in place were excellent aids to help us achieve a modicum of continuity and smooth sailing.

As issues cropped up, we handled them together, keeping teamwork on high alert. This is critical to maintaining the household without major meltdowns. The day Mom came back, no doubt, there was a collective sigh of relief.

Mr. Mom can be a very effective person, but for the flow of the family, I'll take the role of Dad any day. Mom is superhuman and the entire family knows it, including Dad.

Encouraging Educational Achievement

2008-10-06T14:08:00.002-04:00

An interesting thing happened on my way to homeschool. As a father, I wanted my children to excel - in everything. While I understand this is unreasonable on one hand, I secretly harbored the dream I had a multi-talented genius level student lurking in the mind of at least one of my children.

Once I was confronted with the struggles and even motivation of my children, I soon hoped for at least literacy. This too was an extreme bungle on my part. My children are very smart, as are most children out in this big, wide world. One of the tricks is to convince your children that education is better for them than the latest X-box game.

I am a writer. I have one child who is a voracious reader. I just knew she would follow in my footsteps, get bit by the writing bug, and be off and running. I suggested a year or so ago that she consider writing. Her response? "Dad, I hate writing!"

Not only was the air let out of my balloon, I was deflated as well. Instead of pushing to convince her, though, I let it be. A few months ago, three to be exact, this same daughter was dismayed at how long it was going to be until the next installment of the book series she was reading would become available. She stumbled across a fan-fiction site related to the book and got hooked on writing.

She not only got hooked, but is now writing 2000 per day. Do you understand what 2000 words per day is? Basically, you have a novel in a month and a half. This would be nine novels a year. There are days I struggle to get 500 words! Better watch what you ask for, eh?

The upside to all this is that her two immediate younger siblings have caught the writing bug as well. While not nearly as prolific (thank goodness, I don't need everyone making me look bad), they are interested in sentence structure and how to create a powerful story.

All this background is written here to show you that often, all you need to do is plant a seed and let time do it's job. Now I am teaching how to use powerful action verbs instead of passive, concrete, solid nouns instead of general and I am diagramming sentences to an interested group of children ages 9, 11, and 13.

When you see an educational opportunity with your children, you should encourage it with your time and attention. If your child is not yet receptive, lay back. Sure, they need to learn the three r's, but you don't need to push them. Let your children pick a direction, then you do your best to bring learning to them in that particular area.

I am thrilled that my children want to see my edits of their work. They aren't looking at this as "graded" papers. They are looking at my edits as improvement points they can employ on their next chapter. Is this not what school should be all about?

Encourage your children in their academic pursuits, don't push. Everyone wins. Can you see the smile on my face?

Christmas in October

2008-09-29T15:10:00.002-04:00

I know, I know. We have all been aggravated by stores stocking Christmas around Halloween, but as a parent of six children, I don't need to be running around in December attempting to purchase Christmas presents.

Children love Christmas, no doubt about it. My opinion is that we over-indulge in buying gifts. Instead of purchasing a huge smorgasbord of presents this year, think about this:

Buy your presents early, before the big corporate push. Wrap them and stash them away in your closet. Then, when hectic season arrives, concentrate on the more important aspects of the spirit of Christmas. Focus your children on volunteer work. Show them there are many, many children less fortunate than they and encourage them to do something to help.

Get involved with some of the many worthwhile programs out there that concentrate on helping others. I am positive your children will have a more rewarding Christmas experience after having helped others.

All the Playstations, wii's and Xboxes have done is create a society of children that are disconnected from real life. Take time this year to help your children make those critically important connections to the realities that are out there.

We all get busy during the holiday season. We are constantly manipulated by the corporate greed mongers who push you to buy, buy, buy. Say no this year to the insanity. Shop your Christmas list now, and focus on others during the holiday season.

You will be better off, your children will be better off, and the world will be a nicer place for your effort.

Cuteness, A Diabolical Weapon

2008-09-22T15:41:00.002-04:00

My two-year-old daughter knows the secret to attaining her heart's desires. It's called cuteness. How she learned this and how she came to employ it so well is beyond me. Children learn so quickly it becomes impossible to see where they pick up on this stuff. Make no mistake, a child will find ways to get what they want, as my grandmother used to say, by hook or by crook.

Often, you find your little one sneaking a cookie or a toy, trying to get past you. Life and your child's desires become diabolical when your daughter just blatantly asks for something you know she shouldn't have - and you give it to her.

Why? Because not giving her whatever she's asking for is made to look criminal. She uses her eyes in ways you know doom you to the answer "yes". She positions her body in a way that makes you laugh and totally disarms your "no" response mechanism. She doesn't whine and plead like you hear other children do with their parents. She seems to know just how far to push "cuteness" to achieve the desired results.

Too often these days, I am left with the feeling that somehow I've been conned. She's good. Much too good. She leaves me with the warm feeling of having contributed mightily to some great cause, yet all I've done is hand her a Oreo. Or was that another Oreo?

My daughter likes to stay up late. Heck, what child doesn't? When it comes to bedtime, she will give me her best routine, the one where she puts on her Pooh Bear pajamas and she wants to sleep with Mom and Dad. Then, somewhere between sleep and oblivion, she sneaks off, leaving the parents to their peaceful slumber. I wake up in the middle of the night, find her roosting place and pick her up and deliver her to her own bed.

When did she learn Mom and Dad get so tired she can use this fact to her advantage? She's only two! When I ask her, she just gives me that cute little "I'm you're little girl and nothing you can say or do will keep me from my goal" look, and I simply shake my head and walk away.

I can handle a child who argues or tries to bully his/her way to whatever they want, but when this little vixen pulls out her cuteness card, I am toast. Once she butters me up, it's all over.

Some Rewards of Fatherhood

2008-09-15T16:33:00.002-04:00

Way back when I was single, I dreamed of days spent on picnic blankets and daughters dressed in white linen dresses and sons throwing baseball like little pros. Reality, that nasty twenty-first century buzzword, is not so kind.

There have been dirty diapers and dirty looks, baseballs breaking windows and dresses covered in dirt and chocolate. That, added to seventy hour work-weeks and exhaustion, destroyed many of my notions of the fatherhood dream world.

Six children later, I now see the beauty of children. In between diapers or broken dishes/picture frames/windows or infighting amongst the siblings, there is the smile of a daughter nailing a ballet step, a son hitting a home run or the apparent exhilaration of a daughter galloping on a horse.

There are hugs and tears and kisses so sweet that sugar is bitter in comparison. There are days where everything you do together seems to go on forever and you never want the boat ride/swimming/camping to end.

I watch my children sleep. I've always loved checking in on them and seeing their peaceful bodies at rest. In that state, they are such a contrast to the active, bouncing, sometimes annoying creatures that inhabit the day.

I look at them and remember when they were once just tiny little lives that barely filled the two palms of my hands. I wonder at how they have grown so quickly and at how well they represent themselves (most of the time).

These are not uncommon revelations to most parents. We all experience this at some point or another. I just think that if we, as parents, would step back and observe more, we would find children that are amazing bundles of creation, love, tenderness, happiness, sadness, joy and any number of other emotions that we, as parents, tend to lose touch with.

Fathers, cherish every single moment with your son or daughter. They truly do grow much too quickly. Remember, THE most important thing you give them is not love, but time. Sure, give them all the love you have, but in order to do this, you must invest your time.

The time I spend with my children is the greatest reward of all.

Parents Need Time Alone Together

2008-09-01T14:24:00.002-04:00

I love my children. I find that days where I work late or when they're off somewhere, I miss them. Yes, the cacophony of them running around like banshees at times gets on my nerves. And, yes, when they knock a picture off the wall while roughhousing or break dishes out of carelessness I can get a bit perturbed. But when all is said and done, my children are precious to me.

That said, so is my wife. Our days are filled with children. We homeschool, and at times it seems as though neither of us has a moments rest. In truth, both my wife and I rarely get a moments' rest.

Years ago, Bobbie and I would take a one week vacation, just the two of us. The children would be farmed out to family and friends. Both of us would take at least a day to get into a non-child groove, but once we hit stride, we would be in our own little adult world.

This world would often consist of just lying around and reading a book together or simply going on quiet walks or listening to music. Not earth-shattering stuff to be sure, but an incredible and much needed recharge. I always enjoy spending time with Bobbie. When it is just the two of us, we connect and can recall why we married in the first place.

This is critical to a marriage, especially one with six children. Heck, with any number of children. I've seen only children that are more labor intensive to parents than my six! The point is that parents have needs as adults that cannot be fulfilled in the scope of constant parenting.

My wife is a wonderful woman. In the day-to-day course of life, I can lose sight of that fact when the chaos is at fever pitch, I have fourteen projects that must be done, Bobbie is stressed and not the most congenial of people and I reach a point where I can't seem to say or do anything right. But give me a day, or even better, a week alone with my wife and all is right in the King household.

Love your children. Take the time to love your wife. Arrange some down time, just the two of you. Life gets re-framed and the two of you get to enjoy what once was taken for granted and now has to be pursued - the special chemistry of two people in love.

Children and Working at Home

2008-08-28T16:30:00.002-04:00

Work at home. Great concept. Children. Tremendous blessings. Unfortunately, they are not like the old Reese's Peanut Butter Cup commercial. Mixing peanut butter and chocolate is a great idea. Mixing children and work is a challenge.

Notice that I didn't call mixing work and children a bad idea. There is a lot to be said for your children being allowed to see what you do for a living. But if you are striving to be successful, interruptions can be devastating.

Take this blog entry, for example. I have an agenda of writing assignments I need to complete each and every day. I need to complete these assignments so that one day I may earn a decent living writing. Heck, I'd settle for simply earning a living no matter whether it be decent or paltry. Thus far, I have been interrupted by a potty training child in need of a bathroom, an eleven year old that fell and scraped up a knee real good and a minor squabble between two sisters. Not real conducive to the writing muse.

Children have a way of interrupting at the worst possible moment, or making unprofessional, loud sounds while you are on a business call and much more. What's more, they have no basis for understanding the havoc they wreak as they jostle about in loud voices and childish banter.

My solution is to work at the local public library. Unfortunately, my wife is out the next six days, and I have to tend to the children. I believe that I can work through this insane scenario only to find out that any creative muse I may have had disappears with the first squabble or child related issue.

The noise in our public libraries does not bother me. The voices are not those of my children and the issues are none of my business. I sit down, work, feel elated for my accomplishments and then go home. If I attempt to work at home, mistakes are prevalent and frustrations run high. I take a trip to the library and all is well with my world.

Children crave your attention. When you are working, you crave privacy. If you can work well at home with your children, more power to you. I can't do it. I suppose I am too in tune with thrum of my children's' lives to be able to tune them out. Besides, I like the shout of "Daddy!" whenever I walk through the door.

Begin the Day with Direction

2008-08-18T15:45:00.002-04:00

Too many children start their days off in a wild, haphazard way that reeks of chaos and confusion. There is the struggle to wake up and then the frenzied rush to eat, get ready for school, catch the bus, etc. With all the rushing, everyone appears to be ADD. I propose everyone should start their day BDD - Begin the Day with Direction.

This does require pre-planned effort on the parents' part. I'm not trying to say that parents aren't making an effort, just that, all too often the effort is helter-skelter. A father can have a huge impact on the morning simply by being involved. Two adults can manage multiple children much more easily than one. Fathers tend to be able to get prompt responses from their children, which is a huge boost to the morning all by itself.

We have instituted a "cook" for the day amongst our three school-age children. The cook of the day is responsible for preparing breakfast, lunch and dinner (under adult supervision and teaching). This involves the child in the day and teaches a valuable life skill as well. We home school, so lunch is included as part of his/her responsibility. If your children take a bag lunch to school, another child could be selected to prepare lunches while breakfast is being cooked/prepared.

After school is out, each of my three school-age children is responsible for interacting with our two-year-old daughter for one hour each. This allows mom time to work and complete tasks she needs to accomplish. The rotation stays the same each day, running from oldest to youngest.

When the other two children are not watching their youngest sister, they have free time to play and work on special projects. After dinner, they also have reading time and computer time.

The key, though, is in the morning at the breakfast table. EVERYONE sits down together and the parents go over the day and all that is happening so the children know what to expect and when to expect it. With the busy schedule we all seem to keep these days, having more eyes and ears attentive to what needs to be done can be a huge boon to the day.

The communication is good for strengthening family bonds that may fall into non-use as our lives spin into all the insanities of keeping up with life. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, not only for nutritional reasons, but more importantly, for family bonding, communication and planning purposes.

Turn your youngsters into BDD children. Begin their day (and yours) with direction (a plan). Smiles are more frequent and confusion is diminished.

Dancing Little Girls

2008-07-31T17:43:00.003-04:00

My youngest daughter, Veronica, loves to dance. More than that, she loves everyone to be dancing. She loves any movie, cartoon or otherwise, that has dancing in it. Roni loves ballet and will attentively watch an entire performance without fidgeting or getting bored.

When your child shows such high levels of interest in anything, this is such a great opportunity for fathers to make a connection that will last a lifetime, it is crazy not to pursue it. Dance is something that far too many men shy away from. I know I did for forty years. Now, if I could go back, I'd be a dancing fool a lot earlier in life.

Dance is a great bonding connection between a father and daughter. It is something you can do with your daughter from infancy all the way through adulthood. I have never heard of a daughter that is unhappy that her father dances with her. I am sure there are some somewhere, but the vast majority love the closeness and security of dads who dance.

This is something you, fathers, must initiate. The good thing is it's not like the junior high school dances where you had to work up the nerve simply to ask for a dance. Once you begin dancing with your daughter, she will seek you out.

I dance with my two, my nine, and my thirteen-year-old daughters. I now see that the time I have spent learning to dance has paid off far more than being able to take my wife out for a good time on the dance floor. It has opened the door to one of the most special bonds and dad and daughter can share, the love of music, the love of poetic motion, and most of all, the ability to express the love we feel for each other.

Dance with your daughters for the rest of your lives.

Use sign language to bond with your infant

2008-07-22T19:07:00.002-04:00

Sign language is a wonderful way to begin tangible communication with your infant. At six months old and infant can understand and begin signing simple signs like milk, food, and even a stinky diaper. The beginning signs are simple because there aren’t a lot of elaborate hand motions.

More important than the actual learning of the signs is the time you spend with your baby. Of all the things you can give your child, time is the most valuable. Why not love? Because without spending the time, you can’t give the love. When the two of you are learning and signing together, you are creating a bond that is powerful and can extend to the lengths of your lives.

Here are just a few of the benefits of signing. When your baby is hungry, sometimes you just think she’s being fussy. Once she learns the sign for milk and food, all the guesswork is taken out of that aspect of your baby’s life. Your baby will come to know the rewards of the empowerment of being able to communicate. Also, when she has a dirty diaper, you can avoid the terrible onset of diaper rash.

Signing is simple, fun and doesn’t take a lot of brain power to do. When I first considered learning, I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to assimilate a “new language” into my brain. I quickly found out that babies can learn to sign very young because the signs are simple to perform AND understand.

Yes, you can move on to more complex signing, but the basic stuff you are going to learn with your infant is well within your scope of achievement. Please consider teaching/learning to sign with your baby. There is resource information in my book Fatherhood 101: Bonding Tips for Building Loving Relationships as well as on my website at www.michaelrayking.com.

The Barbie Connection

2007-09-24T20:24:00.000-04:00

My littlest one (22 months) has developed an attachment to Barbie that is unrivaled in my family. Our oldest (25 years) used to collect Barbie's, but she never developed this overwhelming bond with the doll.

Veronica (the wee one) must have her new pal with her at all times. I have learned that Barbie stars in every major motion picture ever made. There is Barbie Fairytopia, and Barbie in the Nutcracker and Barbie in the The Swan Princess, Barbie in The Princess and the Pauper, Barbie as Rapunzel, Barbie in Mermaidia and who knows what else.

Do you know how many times I have seen (or heard) Barbie in The Swan Princess? Neither do I but to be sure, it is about a hundred times too many. But Veronica wants to watch it again and again and again . . .

You know one of the sad truths about these movies? They are actually pretty engaging. I'll be walking by the TV and I'll stop. Ten minutes later I realize what I am doing and slink off, hopefully without being noticed.

Barbie does come in very handy. On car trips of over twenty minutes, Barbie will dance through the air in the backseat keeping the tone of the trip upbeat and happy. The doll is now one of the prerequisite items to pack in the car when going anywhere. Diaper bag - check. Sippee cup - check. Barbie - check.

I have four daughters. Only Veronica has shown this intense infatuation with the blonded doll. Heck, I grew up with three sisters and never saw such a thing.

Ultimately it is the magic of animation that has sold my little one on Miss Barbie. The 12 Dancing Princesses is most likely her favorite. Veronica loves to watch them dance and will make sure everyone in the room is aware of what is happening as they dance their way across the screen.

Barbie calms her when she's tired, Barbie dances with her whenever she wishes it, Barbie goes night-night with her when she's fighting sleep. All in all, Barbie makes life a little easier around here.

I have learned the value of the Barbie connection.

Kids and goats - A little respect please?

2007-09-24T13:53:00.000-04:00

kid - A young goat, killed between 6 weeks and 4 months old. Considered to be a delicacy. Later the flesh is likely to develop a strong goat flavor and is unpalatable. It is cooked in any way for young lamb, but as the meat is rather tasteless, it is often marinated.

Ok, this definition is a bit extreme, but there once was a day when the word "kid" was derogatory. For my money, it remains so. The word kid when used in regard to human children is still considered slang. Why can't we give our children the respect of being called "children"? I hear a mother say "Yea, she's my kid." and I cringe. She is not her goat nor is she her slaughtered goat meat nor should she be her slang. The girl is her daughter, her beloved child.

Today our youth is so disenfranchised with adults, especially parents. Did this happen magically? Did our youth become angry due to factors outside the family? No. Children develop issues with parents, from parents. Fathers can be especially susceptable to creating an angry child by being distant and hard in demeanor. But why do we continue to perpetuate parent/child division by addressing our children with the least respectful label we can think of?

Why not give our children respect by addressing them with honorable names? All I want to address in this blog is the word "kid". I have never liked hearing "Yea, she's my old lady." because it is disrespectful to the person's mother. But where did this child learn to speak like that?

I was rarely called a kid while growing up and when I was, I found it offensive. When I heard the words "my son" come out of my parents mouth, I felt a strong sense of pride and appreciation for being considered an integral part of our family.

A kid is no more than an animal. I fear the common usage of the word today in reference to our children will make it the accepted term for children. In a day and age when our children need all the love, support and guidance we can supply as parents, let's not push them away further by lableing them with slang or worse, likening them to animals.

They are our children. We are to love and nurture them in our words and deeds. I would love to hear fathers make a stand and proudly introduce their son or daughter. It is truly the little things that count in this world. Please, check the word "kid" at the door to your brain and use instead the very honorable moniker of "son" or "daughter." Our children will sense that they are important and even better still, loved.

Bed time for babies

2007-09-24T13:43:00.000-04:00

My daughter never wants to sleep. She is 20 months old. She needs to sleep, but according to her, sleep is a waste of time. Her lack of desire for sleep is siphoning my precious sleep time. She amazes me by going all out all the time. I do have a couple secrets up my sleeve that she has not figured out yet.

One is the evening walk. If I time it just right, she will fall asleep in her stroller, I can put her in bed and still make my bedtime. This calls for strict awareness of the time. If I wait too long, I am out walking around long after bedtime and this will be the one time my little secret does not work.

I also have success in picking her up and walking her around the house. Granted she has to be so tired she is rubbing her eyes, but it can be effective without having to leave the confines of the house.

Having gone through this with the other children you would think I would be better prepared. Unfortunately knowledge does not necessarily make you a more efficient father. It should. What does make you more efficient is a willingness to get up and make things happen.

The old "ounce of prevention" thing is invaluable. When I am on top of things, she is walked to sleep and I am blissfully tucked away on time. When I get a little lazy and choose TV or a computer game over good sense, well, there goes the ol' bedtime again.

I suppose my littlest one is not much different from me. I always seem to stay up a little too late. I think we both are afraid of missing out on something.

Hear no evil, see no evil, copy no evil

2007-09-24T13:37:00.000-04:00

You are sitting at the dining room table with your best friend when your toddler comes up and asks, "Mr. Mike, can I see your beer belly? Momma says you have a big one!" You think, omigosh! How can he ask that question? Where did that come from? And more importantly, how am I going to fix this?

We tend to forget that children are mental sponges. We constantly say and do things in front of them expecting them to ignore us in their childish state of blissfulness. Then something like the above situation arises and we are confronted with the truth - we are our children's role models.

What we say and do will show up in their lives at some point. I can be quick to point out to siblings, "don't do that, we don't want to teach your little sister any bad habits", but in the next moment I am kicking off my socks beside my easy chair with the well-intentioned thought that I will place them in the clothes hamper when I get up. Yea, right.

Can we present a "perfect" model to our children? Of course not, and in this world I believe that would be doing them a disservice anyway. They need to see us mess up, but they must also witness our correction of the situation. If we do not make the effort to pick up after ourselves, to apologize when we say things we shouldn't or to mend hurt feelings before they fester, how can we ever expect our child to do these things?

Children will copy anyone they find interesting, anyone they love, anyone they have a strong bond with and anyone who makes them laugh. The insidious aspect of this is that they may not physically reproduce this "copy" until much later. This is where you are left stammering in front of your best friend that your wife really does like him and that your child is exaggerating - or, a much better solution - you apologize for the verbal transgression (especially if it was you that said it to begin with).

By doing this you show your child that it does not hurt to admit you've made a mistake and that making amends is important. Children will copy. They listen. They learn. Be mindful of the material that you supply them with. When you find you've blown it in a big way, be a man and make things right.

The best role model openly corrects his mistakes. Your children will make many mistakes of their own in life. You can teach them how to effectively work through these errors and build the positive relationships every father desires for his children.

Childish Details

2007-09-24T13:16:00.000-04:00

I noted yesterday how my 18 month old daughter pays extremely close attention to the everyday hustle and bustle of life in my house. With four children, mom and dad, things can get hectic in short order. Yet, she always seems to know when I am leaving, where I am going or what I am doing. She sees me putting on socks and immediately gets my shoes and hands them to me. Nine times out of ten she gets the correct pair too.

She soaks up every little detail of how things work, and when you least expect it, she is opening bottles, unzipping things and answering the phone (even though she has virtually no vocabulary as yet). With all this attention to detail, you would think we would watch what we say and do. But I know on a day to day basis, she is picking up on all the things I wish she wouldn't hear or do. She also likes to go to the bathroom with me. While I understand this is a necessary step toward potty training, I do remember and cherish that time of private solitude I once had. I can only hope she learns the ways of the bathroom as quickly as she learned to open "childproof" bottles.

Fatherhood keeps you on your toes. Be aware of your children's ever expanding universe of perception and be there to assist as needed. You will be amazed at what you learn.

Time to Love Our Children

2007-09-24T13:11:00.000-04:00

Do you want to spend more time with your children? Do you have trouble finding it? There are times I don't believe there are any fathers out there busier than me. I am sure if you polled fathers nationwide you would get much the same response.

So, how do we make sure our children are getting enough of us? In my experience (six children - four girls, two boys) I have found that you must make them your top priority, even though the rest of the world is screaming for you time and attention. Truly, you don't have to spend an entire evening with each child to help them feel loved and connected to you. What you must do, though, is give them a block of time in which you give them your undivided attention.

Sometimes all they need is twenty minutes. Sometimes they may need an hour. Yesterday my ten year old son wanted to play me in a game of chess. We had never played before and it was obviously important to him to measure himself against his dad. I agreed to play after he finished his chores. We ended up playing three games. I am not a chess player and he is just learning. While he did lose, I could tell he felt good about himself afterward. He was able to hold his own for a while and he learned some of the limited knowledge I have on the game. I am sure he will go on to beat me soon.

The most important thing a father can give his child is love. The next most important is time.